Families & Relationships

Relationships not only give our lives meaning, they are of vital importance to our wellbeing. In fact, good quality relationships are one of the most important assets we have. Evidence indicates that good quality relationships are a crucial protective factor which can shield us from the effects of long term health conditions; aid our recovery, and can even prevent illness in the first place. Conversely, poor quality relationships are risk factors for poor health and wellbeing. 

Not only do people in poor quality relationships have worse health than those in happier ones, but poor quality relationships are also worse for our health than none: unhappily married people are at greater risk of poor health than divorced people.

Loneliness; Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s); domestic violence and abuse; mental ill health; addictive behaviours; suicide and self-harm are issues where poor quality relationships are often a stressor rather than a protective factor.

Put simply, good quality relationships are

• Are a foundation to our health and wellbeing: Evidence demonstrates that people who have good quality relationships have lower blood pressure than those in poorer quality relationships; close couple relationships can slow the rate of decline in people with dementia and even delay admission to hospital or care homes; Relationship distress is linked to anxiety and depression
• Are important for children’s life chances: Evidence indicates that children growing up with parents who have low parental conflict, whether together or separated, enjoy better physical and mental health; better emotional wellbeing; higher educational attainment and a lower likelihood of engaging in risky behaviours.

Some signs of a Healthy Relationships

• Genuine apologies
• Active Listening
• Ability to accept another’s feelings
• Taking responsibility for our actions
• It matters to you how you make others feel
• Wanting to grow together and find solutions instead of blaming someone/something else
• Respect for other people and making them feel safe when they want to express their feelings
• Words and actions align
• Not afraid of hard conversations

Some signs of a Unhealthy Relationships

• Feeling loved but feeling afraid
• Feeling not good enough and feeling a need to change
• Jealous and controlling behaviour
• Checking of phones and social media accounts
• Pressure to spend all of your time with one person
• Pressure to do things you don’t want to
• Accusations, insults, threats and intimidation
• Feeling like you are walking on eggshells all the time.

Importance of Communication

Lack of communication is one of the main reasons why our relationships breakdown. It is important that we take time out to talk with our close friends and family members so problems can be addressed. If the problem can’t be resolved by talking it out with your loved one then seeking out professional support can help.

Getting Help with Relationships

The good news is that there are many organisations in Northern Ireland and nationally out there who provide help whether that is parenting courses, couple counselling, or young teenage relationship courses all in your local area.

Please see below a list of resources and organisations that can help you find the support you need.

Get Inspired

Helpful Resources

Websites/links:

• ParentLine NI Podcast -The Parentline podcasts will explore the ups and downs of parenting with honest and frank discussions to support parents to lay the strongest possible foundations for their children. 
• Parenting Smart - Place2Be’s site for parents and carers, is full of expert advice and tips on supporting primary-age children, and managing their behaviour and act on their views.
• Place2Be - Top tips for families: How can you support your child’s mental health? We asked children and young people what they want – and need – from their families.
• Playboard NI - Guide for parents on the importance of play with play ideas and activities (Pdf Download)
• National Trust - 50 things to do before you're 11¾’
• Learn the basics of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions - Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is the evidence-based, trauma-informed, neurodiversity affirming model of care that helps caregivers focus on identifying the problems that are causing concerning behaviours in kids and solving those problems collaboratively and proactively. Might be helpful to help kids solve the problems that are causing their concerning behaviour without shame, blame, or conflict. Here's a cheat sheet too.
• Report Remove is here to help young people under 18 in the UK to confidentially report sexual images and videos of themselves and remove them from the internet.
• Get Safe Online - provide unbiased, factual and easy-to-understand information on online safety
• Relate NI - Relationships of any type are important in our lives to help us grow as people and aid our mental well-being. Here are some tips on spotting healthy/unhealthy relationships and some ‘dos and don’ts’ of mental well-being and relationships.
• More Coming Soon... Do you have any suggestions? You can join the conversation at the bottom of this page.

Videos

• The Attachment Theory: How Childhood Affects Life - This video explores attachment theory, which argues that a strong emotional and physical bond to one primary caregiver in our first years of life is critical to our development. If our bonding is strong and we are securely attached, then we feel safe to explore the world. If our bond is weak, we feel insecurely attached.
• Brené Brown on Blame - You are probably a bit of a blamer - most of us are. But why should we give it up? In this RSA video inspirational thinker Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour. 
• Esther Perel explains why couples fight | SVT/TV 2/Skavlan - Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel talks about why and how couples fight in this episode of Scandinavian talk show Skavlan. 
• How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships - There's no more common response to a partner's remarks than to find oneself in a 'defensive' mood. It's hugely understandable, but at points unfruitful. What follows is a short guide to reversing out of defensive moods for the sake of healthier communication.
• Relationship Maintenance vs Relationships in Crisis | Relate NI - Relate NI CEO Duane Farrell tells us about how important it is to carry out regular relationship maintenance, rather than wait until you are in crisis to seek support.
• Parentline NI - An introduction video to Parentline NI, Northern Ireland's free and confidential helpline for parents and carers.
• Parentline Podcast - Episode 1 - Parents' Survival Guide to Exam Season - Preparing for and sitting exams can be a very pressured time, and it doesn’t seem to end when the exams are finished. Ellen Finlay, Policy Officer at CiNI sat down with Parent Support Officer Julie Schiess who shared her top tips for helping parents turn exam stress into parenting success!
• Parentline Podcast - Episode 2 - Digital Declutter – How to keep your child safe online - Listen to Ciaran Traynor, Social Worker, offer tips to ensure younger members of your family develop good internet habits and stay safe online. 
• Parentline Podcast - Episode 3 - The Cost of Caring For Kids – Tackling Childcare - In this episode, CiNI talk to Aoife Hamilton from Employers for Childcare to find out what help is available for parents and get some top tips on keeping a handle on childcare costs.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 4 - Working Mums: How to Juggle the Work/Life Balance with Kerry McLean - CiNI chat to broadcaster Kerry McLean about how mums can get closer to reaching an ideal work life balance.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 5 - Building Resilience: What parents need to know - All children are capable of extraordinary things. We as parents can't change what challenges they may face as they grow but we can teach them the skills so these challenges can be overcome.  Listen to Social Worker Ciaran Traynor on how to build resilience in your child.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 6 - The Pitfalls of Modern Fatherhood, with Alex Kane - In this podcast, Alex Kane, political commentator and father of three discusses his experience of modern fatherhood with Ellen Finlay, Policy Officer at CiNI.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 8 - Maternal Mental Health Matters with Lindsay Robinson - In this podcast CiNI talk to Lindsay Robinson about maternal mental health during pregnancy, after having a baby and in general.  She shares her journey past and present and debunks the notion that there is such a thing as the perfect motherhood.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 12 - The Joys and Challenges of Modern Fatherhood with Ibe Sesay - Q Radio Presenter and Parentline Ambassador Ibe Sesay chats with CiNI host Roger Gowdy about all things fatherhood in the modern era.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 13 - Caring Behind Closed Doors: Tips for Parent Carers - The vast majority of the time, care is provided behind closed doors, in people's homes.  It is often largely invisible too.  CiNI chat to Clare-Ann Magee from Carers NI about what support is available to parent carers and what steps can be taken to help.
• Parentline Podcast Episode 16 - Let's Talk Relationships - Listen to Stevie from Relate NI share information and tips on how to positively communicate with your children about the topic of Relationship and Sexuality Education. 
• Parentline Podcast Episode 17 - Money On Your Mind? - In this episode we talked to Sarah Wright from Advice Space all about money management.
• Relate NI - When To Seek Support, Therapist Joanne tells us how to know when to reach out for help
• Relate NI - Relationship Maintenance vs Relationships in Crisis, CEO Duane Farrell tells us about how important it is to carry out regular relationship maintenance, rather than wait until you are in crisis to seek support.
• More Coming Soon... Do you have any suggestions? You can join the conversation at the bottom of this page.

Books

• The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition]: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W Greene PhD - Dr. Ross Greene, a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges, has worked with thousands of explosive children, and he has good news: these kids aren’t attention-seeking, manipulative, or unmotivated, and their parents aren’t passive, permissive pushovers. Rather, explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, and they require a different approach to parenting. (Amazon.co.uk)
• Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Mate - Acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting. Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to ‘reattach’ to sons and daughters, establish the hierarchy at home, make children feel safe and understood, and earn back your children's loyalty and love. (Amazon.co.uk)
• Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - Is there a science to love? In this ground breaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory – the most advanced relationship science in existence today – can help us find and sustain love. (Amazon.co.uk)
• The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz - Illuminate the fear-based beliefs and assumptions that undermine love and lead to suffering and drama in our relationships. (Amazon.co.uk)
• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel - Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic; because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected - an expression of longing and loss. (Amazon.co.uk)
• More Coming Soon... Do you have any suggestions? You can join the conversation at the bottom of this page.

Find Help Near You - Parent, Children & Family

There are many support agencies in Northern Ireland who specialise in providing support to parents, couples, and families who might need some extra support. Please remember that you are not alone and that there is help available. 

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